Sonntag, 15. Januar 2012

My top ten condom brands - Just my opinion.

In a pretty subjective order, here are the top 10 condom brands:

10. Passante condoms – an independent UK condom brand that’s only been running for ten years or so. These are the condoms for indie rock fans – they’re the smallest of the UK condoms brands, home grown, and when they hit the big time you can abandon them for “selling out” and claim you used to wear them back in the glory days of British condoms. When they were still cool. Just like you did with Noah and the Whale.

9. Skins – pretty regular condoms, with a silly name. I wonder how many people in search of a bit of rizla have come away from their local one stop shop to a load of latex wrapped disappointment?

8. Bareback – this is an even worse name. Whilst skins aren’t actually skins, they are a bit skin like. Whereas a condom called bareback is just too much of a contradiction. It’s like calling your toothbrush a plaque smearer. But the name’s almost so bad it’s good. So that gets them to number 8.

7. EXS – is a pretty regular condom brand. But they sound like a sports bike manufacturer. So that makes them way more EXTREME. Extreme enough to get them to number 7, anyway.

6. Crown – is an Asian condom brand. They’re big in Japan – kind of like Spinal tap. They’ve been trying complete with British condoms and break into the UK, so you might see them about on the web. And it sounds pretty damn regal if you interrupt your shenanigans to say “excuse me while I put on my Crown”. So they’re definitely worthy of 6th place in the condom brand rankings.

5. One condoms – are pretty much the Apple of the condom world. They come in classy, off the wall packaging – doing away with the traditional card box and foil wrappers and going instead for metal tins. They’ve got all manner of fancy condom technology going on, from ribbing to impossibility dense micro-dotting. And you can design your own packaging on their website. Pretty cool, but all a bit too flashy. When you reach for the shiny packaging in the heat of the moment, isn’t it likely your partner will think your trying a little too hard?

4. KarmaSutra – India's second largest condom brand, and with a really appropriate name. They’re condoms and they’re from Indian! Geddit? They also have some pretty risky condom commercials too, I hear, that caused quite a stir on the subcontinent a few years back. The mavericks. You don’t get that from UK condoms.

3. Mates condoms – Started by Richard Branson of Virgin fame (ah! The irony…) as a condom brand to be sold for little profit to help stop the spread of STIs with cheap condoms, they’ve since been sold on but the royalties still go to the charity Virgin Unite. So you can feel like you’re doing some good in the world as you reach for the bed side table.

2. Trojan – down to the big two. The most popular condom brand in the USA. Which means they show up in loads of movies and TV shows. Which makes them celebrities, I guess. But it doesn’t get them to number one, a place reserved for…

1. Durex – the king of the UK condoms, they have a quarter of the global market. So that’s something we can be proud of, at least. The name is a portmanteau of Durable latex. But they were the first makers of polyurethane condoms. Cool, eh?

Eh, feel free to comment on this! What is your opinion?

Condoms - Does Size Matter?

If there’s one thing that makes guys worry about their self worth more than their looks, height, intelligence, strength or the number of anvils they can balance on one finger, it’s penis size. Does penis size matter? If you’re going to trust a whole load of trolling about dick size on the internet, then yes, MORE THAN ANYTHING. But that doesn’t necessarily make it a fact.

Though men have probably been involved in literal and figurative dick measuring contests since the notion of length first popped into our hairy, hygiene-challenged, cave-dwelling ancestors’ minds, it doesn’t actually tell you very much about that person’s sexual prowess, let alone their inner qualities, worthiness as global leader, or ability to balance a whole load of anvils on their index finger.

And despite all the claims you may hear in locker rooms and on internet forums about people have 7, 8, 9 or even 10 miles long penises, the cold hard facts are that the world average length is 5 inches. That means HALF of EVERYONE on earth has genitalia shorter than that. And these people must be out in the world walking and typing among us - they haven’t constructed a secret commune in Antarctica to hide their shame. Or if they have, they’re done it really, really well…

The cervix is only located 7.5 inches into the vagina, anyway, and though it stretches a bit, you’re not getting much further than that, no matter how motivated or well endowed you are. As people have pointed out in saner moments, length isn’t really all that important – girth is a measure that actually has some meaning.

Now obviously, like dancing or playing scrabble, there’s at least two people involved here, determining how it all pans out – girth of your penis is one thing, but there’s your partners dimensions to bear in mind too. So you do get claims of bananas down Oxford Street, or opening the window and shagging the night. But, all things being equal, greater girth should give some advantage in becoming the next Casanova. Though it probably won’t do you any favours when it comes to balancing that crucial last anvil on your index finger.

Girth is also way more important than length when it comes to buying condoms. With their rolled ends, condoms can roll out to accommodate almost all of those length braggers out there (maybe not the 10 miles long guy – there’s going to have to be some major civic engineering going on to sort that dude out. Maybe he’s just better of considering using other forms of birth control). But the diameter of the condom, though it stretches a bit, is pretty fixed. If you want a perfect fit, it’s no good just buying standard cheap condoms. Durex and the other main condom brands don’t offer much variation in size. You can try to sample condoms so see which fits best. 

But to get a really good fit, it’s worth checking out somewhere like you can get condoms made to specific diameters. See, sometimes size does matter.